Dark day


I debated about writing this, but decided that I am human, I have shortcomings, I am far from perfect and there is nothing wrong with that.

In the last few days of August Alex and I drove up to Duluth to pack up his things so he could move to the cities for the job of a lifetime! While I was over the moon for him and us and our future, I was really, REALLY sad. The entire car ride to Duluth (about 3 hours) I couldn’t look at the road (he was driving), I couldn’t talk to him. If I did either of those things I would have started crying and I didn’t want to be sad. I wanted to be happy for him and excited for us, but I couldn’t help but feel sad. He was leaving me; I was going to be alone! We have had seven years of spending every second together then us being pulled apart, for good reasons, yes but pulled apart none the less, and yet again we have to be apart.

September 1st, he left. He drove away and I cried. Then next day was the last day of summer and then I would have to self-motivate everyday to get things done and I was out of practice. Alex was always there to motivate me to give me advice to just be a friendly face. September was hard; Alex and I didn’t get to be together until the 26th! Those 26 days were hard, but I made it through (thank God for skype!), don’t get me wrong, I cried, and complained and felt lonely! It was really hard! 

This past weekend Alex and his sister came to visit and we had a lot of fun! We went out to eat, we saw Gravity (awesome movie, go see it!), we all three snuggled, we watched How I met your mother and it was great! Then Sunday came and they had to leave, I’ve decided it is easier for me to leave him on Sundays than for him to leave me. When I leave I have to drive 3-ish hours, I can’t be crying the whole time so I just jam out in the car and by the time I get home I’m hungry or I have homework and I don’t think about him not being with me, but when he leaves all I have to do is think about how alone I am. 

This last Sunday he left and I was really sad. I didn’t sleep that night, the only way I can think to describe it is gray and down. When I think about feeling like that I imagine big dark clouds rolling in for a hard rainstorm. So Monday turned out to be the worst day I’ve had since he left. I struggled to get out of bed, I felt lost. I felt starving and no amount of food could fill me up. I made myself take a bath to try to relax, no good, it just left me pruney, soaking wet and depressed. I tried to talk to Alex but was so not me I got mad at him for absolutely nothing and didn’t call him the rest of the day. Eventually he and I skyped and he was his amazing self and cheered me up a bit. That night a slept like a rock, got up the next day and felt so much better. I went to school and things were fine.

In 2009 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Whoa, total shock, right!? Here is my reason for sharing this story, some day’s suck! Some day’s I want to stick my head in the sand and let the world pass me by, some days I want to feel like a rainstorm is rolling in. Some day’s I think that will make me feel better. A lot of people hide their depression and while there is nothing wrong with that, I found out that I had depression from someone sharing their story with me. They told me how some day’s they wanted to close out the world, they wanted to disappear, I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor, and I wouldn’t have gotten help if this person didn’t talk openly about their depression.

If someone’s reads this, can relate and gets help than me being a little embarrassed is totally worth it! While I have days that I feel awful, I have so many more days that I feel invincible! Because Alex shared his depression story with me I got help!

Getting help is not a weakness! If you had the flu you would go to the doctor, depression is a chemical imbalance! It is nothing to be ashamed of!


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